This holiday season has been stressful.
And I know, I know, apparently the holidays are stressful for everyone (actually- I don’t understand that, but I yield to the possibility that will change with time.) but for my dh and I they have been a time of marked change, and that has required our full attention. Job and church changes and major decisions and possibilities… all while trying to build a marriage and figure out these new roles we find ourselves in. During the holiday season silence I was glad to receive encouragement from several fronts to continue writing. Thank you all for that. I’m not giving this up, but with personal concerns so pressing I chose not to write rather than, through writing, overstep the bounds I’ve set for myself. Though all of those things are still pressing and will be, they are more manageable now.
Which brings me to a subject I’ve been struggling with during all of this:
How do I deal with stress? Or, rather, how should I deal with stress? What is the healthiest way to do it?
Confession (for maybe the first but certainly not the last time): I get overwhelmed very easily. Particularly by the housework to be done. Balancing housework, schoolwork and relationships with husband and friends is much harder that it appears. (That needs to be a warning sticker on those “Better Homes” / “Good housekeeping” magazines, don’t you think?) I come home and am instantly struck that there are a hundred “little” things that need doing. And that my chances of doing those, doing my readings and essays and keeping the dog alive…. I may try to get “one or two” of the “little” things done, but often am confused as to how to make it happen or am frustrated that it makes a much smaller dent than I intended. Or it doesn’t get as completely resolved as I would like, so I don’t recognize it as a true accomplishment.
Confession 2: That feeling of frustration often comes out as a temper. (I.E. Not the healthy response. I know.)
How do I cope? Well, I don’t necessarily recommend any of this, but getting something done all the way does wonderful things for one’s sanity. (This is, essentially, the idea behind FLY Lady. Good resource. Very encouraging. Still working on getting that Day 1 concept.) I’m also learning to not punish myself for imperfection. I am not a failure for having a cluttered house. (Am I a failure if it stays that way and is not resolved really soon? Trying to convince myself the answer is “no”.)
For now? My goal is to de-clutter. Simplify. (Sounds peaceful. Peaceful is the goal. The de-cluttering may be achieved through slash-and-burn techniques… But I’m determined it will happen.)
In the meantime: Wives! Dyslexics! Moms! Anyone who’s listening! How do you keep sane? How do you attack housework? What are healthy coping techniques you have learned? Inquiring young wives want to know!
(P.S. That requires a physical WRITTEN answer. Any tips at all will help sanity be kept!)
Hmmm, how to keep sane? Well, as stay at home mom of 3 kids I have to say, my house isn’t particularly tidy most of the time. When I worked out of the home, it wasn’t tidy. It might be tidy when the kids have flown the coop and I am retired. Till then, it will be as clean as I can make it without it driving me crazy. Having a reasonably clean and tidy house is a worthwhile goal, but not if it is driving me crazy and stressing me out to get it there.
With that said, I am sure my house is tidier and cleaner than some out in the USA. This is what I do:
1) I do a load of laundry every single day. I never have mountains of laundry to do. This allows me to buy less clothes for each kid too, so the closets are less full. It also makes the kids put the laundry in the basket to be washed, else they will end up with no clothes to wear. Now we are a family of five, so you may only have to do it every other day, but make it a routine to put it in. And if you put it in the dryer, you must discipline yourself to get it out when it finishes else you are just causing yourself more work in the long run with wrinkles.
2) I don’t iron. Ever. I buy my hubby wrinkle free shirts.
3) I clean a little bit everyday. So the house may be untidy, but underneath the toys it is reasonably clean. I wipe the bathroom counters when I have finished getting ready to get off all of the toothpaste and whiskers. I wipe the kitchen counters every day and take everything off them so it looks tidier. Hubby sweeps the floors.
4) I quit apologizing when people come over unexpectedly and the house is a mess. Life happens, I am sure everybody has a house that is messy some of the time. I don’t need to feel bad about it.
5) Each person has a drawer just for socks. I don’t sort them, I just dump them in. Saves tons of time.
6) If my goal is decluttering, I take it slowly so I don’t get overwhelmed. Pick one drawer and go through it. And then, this is key, do something with the items you got out of the drawer: actually put the trash bag in the trash, and put other items where they belong. Else you just end up with piles of stuff sitting there and a clean drawer.
7) Put your hubby to work. We are an equal opportunity household. Over our almost 15 years of marriage, we have informally designated chores for each person, but we both help each other out when needed. His chores: kitchen cleanup after dinner, trash, sweeping floors, vacuum on weekends, unload dishwasher on weekends, cook breakfast for kids when he is home in the morning, take Lily to school, play with Wilson between 6-7 pm, and pitching in to help when needed. My chores: bathroom duty, laundry, meal planning, shopping and cooking, bills, and everything else under the sun. I really really think it is important that spouses sit down with each other and divide up tasks. It doesn’t have to be 50/50, but it does need to be agreed upon so there are clear expectations and you don’t end up with one person feeling resentful of the other. But then you also need to be flexible with your spouse and be ready to pick up their slack if needed temporarily.
So that is what I do that works for me. There are plenty of things I do that don’t work, but I’ll save you from that list
Good luck to you, I hope that life gets less stressful for you soon!
Wow! Do I ever relate? When you find the answer, please let me know! Ho! After 51 years of marriage — I still don’t have the technique down to anywhere close to an artform.
One very important thing — the absolutely clutter free “not lived in” look of Better Homes and Gardens, Southern Living, and other such magazines is NOT reality! It should not be what one should realistically expect of a young newly wed wife/student (one moreover who is heavily involved in working with a church group)and holding a part-time job.
The “happily ever after” final scenes in some of the frothy literature, tv shows and/or movies should not be considered as reality either. As Samantha mention — life happens both in the house and in the relationship. And perfection would be awfully boring, don’t you think?
However, little by little — bit by bit one learns what will work with one’s own personal situation and will be able to strike a happy medium between boring perfection and stressful chaos. Prayerfully, one will be blessed by having an understanding spouse and friends who not only will offer helpful suggestions but will also pitch in with a little bit of actual assistance in times of crisis.
Liked what Samantha said about areas of work. My husband helps me with housework from time to time (especially if we are having a group of people in for a special occasion). I on the other hand also help him out with the outdoor chores.
Be patient with yourself. Strive to be as kind to yourself as you would be to a friend. Cut yourself some slack. One final word — trite but true — “Rome wasn’t built in a day”.
Wow! I think Samantha should write advice columns for parents! Also, Oleta is right about the totally clean homes of magazines not being reality. I have learned the hard way that the only way you can make any portion of your home look “perfect” is not to live life in it.
I agree most strongly with sharing the chores between husband and wife. As you don’t have any children yet, getting into a life pattern of sharing and working together to tidy a bit would be the best advice I can think of. Then, if/when children do come along, your boundaries are clear and you just mix in the chores that come with children.
The only thing I can think to add is to put things where they belong as you go each day. Have a designated spot for dirty/clean clothes. Fold and put away laundry as soon as it is done as much as possible. Wash dishes each day.
I have found that music can be a WONDERFUL destresser. In my most rough moments, I just put my headphones on, pull up “Air on a G String,” and let the strings take the stress away. Exercising each day (even just going for a 20-minute walk) is another way to manage stress. Deep breaths and hugs help me a lot, too.
I wish you the best and will be pray for you! Lots of love to the both of you! Take care, sweetie!
I know the holidays are mostly over but I thought I’d comment on this anyway…
Sometimes I just have to let things go. Not say yes to everything, and let the house be messy a few days. But I’m not the best at keeping the house clean anyway. I’m also a big list person, but it has to be written down or it doesn’t count.
I hope you made it through the holidays ok and are still sane!
And thank you for your sweet comments on my blog! I can’t believe you read it all!